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“Love is doing something for nothing” – JNS (in response to a question posed by Mars de Castro, 24 July 2008)

LINK: ‘Note Verbale‘, Manila Times (Sunday-Career Section) – 11 February 2007 Issue

Romantic love is the usual focus of public attention on Valentine’s Day. The occasion is one big commercial event that provides lovers the social amenities, if not the ambiance, to exchange tokens of affection one way or the other in the observance of the occasion.

Theoretically, romantic love is distinguished from other forms of love in the sense that it is driven by both emotional and sexual desires. They say that romantic love is typically the result of a random encounter, oftentimes irrepressible, not purely predicated but always end up on sexual desires, and, if requited, could be the basis of long-term or life-long commitment, like marriage, in the same manner that it could result in illicit intimacies.

Both emotional and sexual reciprocation are key ingredients in every romance. Take away the emotional aspect and love is transformed to mere eroticism. Take away the sexual motivation and love would take another form, perhaps platonic or familial.

Since reciprocation is almost always expected in romantic love, what happens if the love is unrequited?

Many people who had unrequited love can attest that the experience could be tortuous, if not traumatic on both sides especially if the love-struck person develops obsessive behaviors, resort to stalking and even aggression. Others would just ignore the emotional distress by simply enjoying that loving feeling, which eventually will end up also in frustrations and a deep feeling of resentment, if the love is ultimately rejected or remained unrequited for a long time.

BBC News in a February 6, 2005 interactive report declared: “Unrequited love can be a ‘killer’. The news item cited the findings of expert psychologists that many people are “destabilized by falling in love or suffer on account of their love being unrequited”, which could lead to certain manic conditions, depression, elevated mood, inflated self-esteem, and in extreme cases, suicide attempts. People could die from a broken heart or get into a state of despair and hopelessness.  Some would suffer from an extreme state of physical exhaustion, tearfulness and insomnia.

Of course, there are also situations of unrequited love that conclude in happy endings but it is almost a fairy tale. 

In fact, the usual tragedy and pain attributed to unrequited love has made it a popular idea or themes of music and literary works for centuries. Roxanne of Cyrano de Bergerac in the play of noted French poet and dramatist, Edmond Eugène Alexis Rostand, or the Dulcinea of Don Quixote in the novel written by Spanish novelist, poet and playwright, Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra, are classical works that depict unrequited love.

But is it possible for a person whose love is unrequited to just show altruism or simply love another person selflessly without any anticipation or expectation of a reciprocal emotional fervor?

If love is familial (or based on blood ties or common ancestry) or platonic (or based on a deep friendship minus the sexual element), it is a non-issue whether or not love is requited because the more profound a person expresses his affection without expecting any thing in return is nobler.

The same situation may not obtain though in a desired romantic love because of the difficulty to attain sexual submission if there is no emotional response from the person simply met in a random encounter.

There is certainly nothing like having that loving feeling. But if romantic love is initially unrequited or maybe remains unrequited, it is obviously prudent to make logic or reason prevail over the heart to avoid possible state of desperation, or worse self-destruction.

This day of the hearts, remember that it is always better to ‘grow’ in love than to ‘fall’ in love.

LINK: ‘Note Verbale‘, Manila Times (Sunday-Career Section) - 12 February 2006 Issue

In a couple of days or on February 14, the world celebrates St. Valentine’s Day, now a special day supposedly for romantic lovers.

St. Valentine’s Day used to be a holiday in the Catholic calendar.

Pope Gelasius I, known as the third Pope of African origin, declared it as a feast in the year 496. There is a tale that the holiday was declared to thwart the pagan practice of the ancient Roman festival of Lupercalia (in honor of the Faunus, the god of fertility and forest) held traditionally on February 15 where young men and women were paired off as lovers by drawing their names out of an urn.

They say that three St. Valentines with obscure background were recorded as martyred saints under the date February 14. They all lived in the late third century during the reign of Roman Emperor Claudius II that included a priest in ancient Rome, a bishop of Terni (an ancient town of Italy), and a martyr in the Roman province of Africa.

Since nothing is known about the lives of these martyrs, many of the present day legends about St. Valentine were started in the fourteenth century in France and England, where the feast became associated with romantic love.

In 1969, the Church removed it as an official holiday in an effort to trim down the number of saintly festivities of purely legendary origin.

Valentine’s Day continues to retain its significance today because perhaps of the strong commercial value attached to the occasion. Or perhaps because love is something that everyone, without exception, can relate with.

Love is intrinsic in every human culture and obviously the singular factor that motivates, drives and makes possible human attachment to someone or to something. Love does not recognize boundaries, or even limitations, because it is something that is felt first before anything else. Besides, it is free to love for the only thing it requires is to have a heart.

According to the ‘Triangular Theory of Love’ of American psychologist, Robert J. Sternberg, love is characterized by three elements: intimacy, passion and commitment. For him, any of these elements or a combination of them defines the relationship that would constitute love.

For British politician Helen Fisher, love has three phases: lust, attraction, and attachment. She said that love would generally start off the phase strong in passion but weak in the other elements. With the passage of time, however, the other elements may grow and passion may shrink depending upon the individual. What started then as infatuation or empty love may then develop into other fuller types of love. During the stage of attraction, the person concentrates his affection on a single mate and fidelity becomes important. It is only after a person has known a loved one for a long time that he develops a deeper attachment to his partner. It is said that according to scientific studies the transition from the attraction to the attachment phase usually happens in about thirty months. Thereafter, passion fades, changing love from consummate to companionate, or from romantic love to liking.
Love certainly defines the individuality of man, for without it no person would have a meaningful existence. Man’s search for meaning is in fact largely influenced by the way he loves. Since love is an abstract concept, it is easier to experience love than define it. 

Love indeed makes the world go round, as many popular song lyrics would put it. Peace, hope, happiness, success, and charity abound because of love. But it is also the same love that causes war, tragedy, disillusionment, greed, punishments and hostilities.

Love builds but it also destroys. Love is good but it can also be evil. To love is human but it is not necessarily humane. This is how love rules the world.

Only by loving selflessly and for the right reasons would make love true, worthy and meaningful. This is what the world needs now.